(Essay by Shiva originally published online in 2006)
Some people call it infidelity, while others address it as “unfaithfulness”. In the game of life and love, the heart-wrenching grievances over the discovery of a cheating partner echoes through bars and powder rooms everywhere.
In most modern societies, people are expected to pair off into coupled units and promise to remain solely committed to each other in love and sex till death do them part, or at least until they decide to end the relationship.
By standard definition, a “cheating” partner is someone who goes behind his or her significant other’s back to indulge in the sexual favors of another. The typical scenario is generally the same: a sneaky partner, an illicit affair, and a jealous and betrayed individual sitting up late at home waiting to be fed a generous helping of somewhat plausible excuses. “I’m sorry Honey, I had to work late at the office…”
Of course, not every fellow who is putting in a lot of overtime is bopping his secretary any more than every woman taking classes at night is partying with her professor. But that certainly doesn’t stop the thought their spouses might have that they could be doing it, and sets the wheel of mistrust in motion that frequently condemns a relationship before a crime has actually been committed.
In my own experience, I’ve known women who were forbidden to leave their homes without a husband-appointed chaperone. I’ve also known men who were repeatedly in the doghouse for so much as smiling at another woman. Both of these types of people having been branded with the potential to be unfaithful in their relationships and found themselves heavily guarded because of it.
This is not an unreasonable fear on behalf of the suspicious spouses. Second only to financial difficulties, infidelity is the complaint most often heard in the divorce courts today. Not that it is some new epidemic that just popped up in the last few centuries either… unless we are to believe that the brothels and bath houses throughout history were patronized only by the unattached.
Blame it on nature, human beings are equipped with all manner of hormones and the means to attract a sexual mate. As if the appeal of breeding alone was not enough, we also put value on our own sexual prowess and ability to attract mates. We casually flirt with members of the opposite sex and notch our bedposts as if they were scoreboards. We paint our faces, don our best suits, cover our bald spots, and add extra padding underneath our clothes in areas we feel nature shortchanged us. We beam with pride if someone pays us a compliment, and secretly enjoy the catcalls, winks, and whistles as we walk down the street.
And if that still isn’t enough, no one can deny the billion dollar sex industry. We have mountains of pornographic magazines and films that cater to every debauchery imaginable, all advertising 900 numbers we can call in case we need auditory stimulation as well. Prostitution can be found in all walks of life, from the high tag call girls in special nightclubs to the two-dollar crack whores in the parking lot. Adult toy stores feature gadgets and gizmos that do everything short of smoking a cigarette afterwards. I can’t even open my e-mail without being informed that I can add three inches to my cock size while checking out someone doing the naughty on their webcam.
While sexual wantonness may be alive and well in our genetic make-up to guarantee the continuation of our genes by spreading them around as much as possible, the moral ideals of our modern society have firmly embedded the idea that strict monogamy is the only way to go. We are expected to settle down with one partner and have eyes (and loins) only for him or her. We are taught this while young, given numerous reasons to explain the logic of why this is the only way to love, and even have had laws in place to reinforce the popular theory that coupling should only be done in established pairs.
With all this in mind, it is little wonder that men and women seem to live in constant fear that their significant other may at some time be even remotely entertaining the thought of being in bed with someone else. The paranoia runs rampant with the thought that somehow, some way, their partner is cheating on them.
But at what point does cheating begin? By definition, one would think that cheating begins at a sexual touch. Not so, I’ve come to discover. The answer to that question is as widely diverse as the people I asked when I conducted a series of poll questions and surveys on the subject.* While the traditional definition of infidelity meant an extra-marital sexual affair, that line has become so blurred and distorted past the point of paranoia that even an innocent lunch date with a colleague can hold the same weight as if they’d slept together.
Out of 80 women I polled, most defined the point where cheating begins as when their partners do something with another person without their knowledge or consent. A further 10% consider making out as the beginnings of betrayal, while 5% consider going out with someone on a non-sexual basis as crossing the line.
80 men also took this survey, but only 22% defined cheating as doing something without knowledge or consent. Most of the men polled drew the line at making out, although 6% considered the act of merely flirting with another as being unfaithful.
One interesting point I noticed was that of all the people who took part in this survey who’d been cheated on by their partners, most of the women stayed close to home in their affairs (usually with friends of their spouse or a coworker) while the men tended to graze the forbidden fruits in completely different pastures. This seems to point to the theory that women tend to cheat more for emotional reasons than the philandering antics of males who cheat purely for the sake of sex itself when the opportunity presents itself.
Most of the women I interviewed who’d engaged in extra-relationship affairs claimed that they were lured to the charms of another because their partners seemed to have lost interest in them. The pleasure of having the undivided attention and adoration of another man was too great of temptation to resist. One such woman even told me that although she felt a little guilty about it, it felt nice to “feel pretty again” since her husband stopped complimenting her long ago.
It came as no surprise that most men I talked to who admitted to having affairs stated that their own infidelities were based on the desire for “something different”. While most claimed they were not in the market to trade-in their significant others, they were interested in the occasional night with someone new for the sake of variety.
Did either the men or the women do things with their lovers that they wouldn’t normally do with their regular partners? Almost all of them said they didn’t.
Surprisingly enough, the act of unfaithfulness doesn’t necessarily have to physically involve a third party. 9% of the women (and 2% of the men) expressed feeling cheated on by a partner who masturbates to images in magazines, films, or other media.
There have been numerous studies and theories about how monogamy is promoted on a natural basis as a way to secure the best interests of one’s own offspring. However, most people who admit to cheating on their partners claim that procreation was not on the agenda and they took special precautions to prevent a pregnancy from such unions. So while the fear that one’s spouse may have to provide for the offspring of another as a result of an infidelity is valid, it simply doesn’t apply to individuals who are incapable of breeding to begin with, such as same-sex relationships. And yet, a homosexual feels just as betrayed by a cheating partner as a heterosexual does despite that lack of any “natural” reason.
Of those I interviewed, people expressed that they felt that a cheating partner meant that they were about to be replaced. A pattern of low self-esteem seemed to be emerging as they talked about how the other man/woman had to be “better” than themselves for various reasons. Most voiced that they’d been brought up with the belief that two people in love should be solely committed to one another, and a straying partner signals the end of love. Fear of an outside pregnancy (from those situations that would merit such a fear) was only mentioned by three of the twenty-six people I spoke with on the subject.
* Polls conducted online and surveys/interviews taken by volunteers both online and in phone or live interview. I always promise anonymity to participants in my field research due to the sensitivity of the subject.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Mine, Was-His, & Ours
(Observations on a Close Encounter with Territorial Behavior.)
Sometimes I forget how ridiculously possessive some people can get about little things when they are in relationships. I’ve often heard about territorial marking, but I’d never actually seen it play out before a friend of mine found a girlfriend who pisses like a racehorse.
To be fair, I should probably mention that this friend was also a friend-with-benefits. When we first met he was single and looking, I’m not available for anything more committed than an occasional evening or weekend, and he was in the market for a full-time girlfriend.
We chatted online for the better part of a month, had a couple dates together, and discovered that we really enjoyed each other’s company. I knew he was looking for someone special to spend his life with, and so I kept my fingers crossed every time he went out on a date with a new woman in hopes that he would find what he was looking for.
Then he found her… a woman who seemed to encompass everything he wanted in a girlfriend. Their first date lasted almost a week and she left his house only to return with a U-haul truck. It seemed a bit fast to me, but he seemed happy about it and that was all that mattered to me.
Of course, there was the delicate question of what would happen to me in the situation. Initially he told me that absolutely nothing would change between us, but I had my doubts about that. In my field observations, a woman who is hot for a guy will agree to practically anything at first if she thinks it will make him happy with her. It wasn’t much of a surprise to learn that “no change” soon became “not yet…she’s not ready for that.”… and so on. Not a big deal, really. When it comes to people I’m genuinely fond of, the friendship is the most important thing and anything extra is just a bonus.
The friendship continued as it would have even if we hadn’t slept together once upon a time. The two of them seemed very happy for the first few weeks, but then I started hearing some sour notes whenever I talked to my friend. He’d been holed up with her a lot and he needed someone outside the relationship to talk to. Could I come over? We could go out for dinner and then just hang out.
So I went over to his place since the first time she’d moved in. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this essay right now. It wasn’t hard to see how nervous he was about going out of her visual range, so we went to the backyard and hung out on a hammock for a long discussion. Then we sat in the kitchen and continued a long discussion while she occasionally popped in to play “sociable hostess” with a barely-hidden sneer. Eventually we did go out to dinner, but the whole time he acted nervous and anxious…not knowing what to expect when he returned home.
I had a pretty good idea what he could expect, and for the better part of a year afterward I had conversations with him about the ever-escalating problems. We both worked from home, which can make anyone stir-crazy after a while and makes finding time away from the significant others difficult, so on occasion we’d go out and see a movie or have dinner together as a friends-night-out.
Then I found out where some of her hostility toward me was coming from. She was prone to refer to me as “the girl he dumped for me” or “his ex-lover” when speaking or blogging. But more importantly, I learned that I was intruding in places that were now “hers”…HER kitchen, HER hammock, HER house… all being things I knew to have existed in his house prior to her arrival on the scene.
This would eventually extend to restaurants and other places. God forbid that he and I would visit a place that she had previously gone with him to on an outing. By this logic, I’m sure there are entire towns that I am no longer able to step foot in if I happen to be in his company.
Now, I can understand couples having one special place that they consider to be “their place” and the experience is not to be shared with anyone else. My husband and I have our favorite B&B that I wouldn’t dream of booking if I was taking a vacation with anybody else. However, the town has dozens of similar lodging options and it’s a wonderful area to spend a weekend with friends. It’s nice to take other people to restaurants or art galleries that my husband and I have previously checked out and know to be very good. When you’re going out to dinner with a friend you’ve not seen in a while, isn’t it better to go somewhere that you know the atmosphere is pleasant and the food is good without having to avoid any of the places you’ve previously taken your partner to?
It’s not lost on me that her hostility toward me has some roots in my status as being her boyfriend’s previous lover and now as being one of his good friends. However, I’ve since learned that this behavior seems to extend to include anybody my friend is with, ex-lover or otherwise. I’m afraid that I can’t find any logic or rationalization for that extent of territorial pissing.
My Case for Non-Monogamy
When I first entered the dating scene as a teenager, my head was full of the same fairy tales as any other young girl. Someday Prince Charming was going to ask me to the dance, fall madly in love with me, and we'd live happily ever after without worries that some Wicked Witch would lure him away from the marriage bed.
It didn't take me long to realise that I wasn't Cinderella and neither were any of the other girls I knew. I also found out that the Prince Charmings were having just as much trouble keeping their Princesses inside the bounds of their relationships.
It wasn't uncommon for young girls to scratch the names of their boyfriends in hearts on a wall or notebook, fully assured that the relationship was going to last forever. Sure enough, come the following year the old flame's name was dutifully scratched out and a new boy's name written carefully underneath it in much larger lettering than his predecessor's. When questioned about the alteration, the answer was usually either "Oh, he started liking someone else." or "Oh, I met someone that I like better."
Then it happened to me... a boy I'd been seeing started making passes at someone else. As was the proper etiquette, I promptly dumped his cheating hide and fell quickly into a new relationship - which lasted approximately four months before word got to me that he'd been spotted in the company of another girl. Like many women, I started questioning myself and was convinced that I must be in some bad habit or another to scare these blokes away. However, not too long afterward I started attracting the eye of another man - who just happened to be in a very long relationship with a friend of mine.
As I entered adulthood I came to the conclusion that most people just can't stay faithful to one another, as evident by the ever-climbing divorce rate and the revolving relationship doors I saw all around me. It occurred to me that it was not simply a matter of people falling out of love, or else why would so many people go through ridiculous lengths to hide their infidelity from their significant others?
The biggest complaint I heard from the injured partners upon the discovery of an affair was that they automatically assumed that their cheating spouses had fallen in love with someone else and fallen out of love with them. The complaint was always about love, and the idea that a sexual romp purely for novelty and entertainment never entered the thought process. When questioning the guilty party about his/her views, the answers were almost always the same: They were physically attracted to someone else and they "weren't thinking", at least not until the deed was done and they knew they'd be in big trouble if their significant other ever found out.
I began to conclude that the common strong association between sex and love was the root for many of the problems. When looked at logically the idea that people must be in love to have sex is ludicrous, especially given the multi-billion dollar sex industry with strangers hoping into bed all over the place. Either prostitutes and porn stars are the most loving people in the world or the two things are not necessarily connected.
A few hours of watching "The Discovery Channel" was enough to see that the birds and the bees are anything but faithful to one another, and I didn't see any girl birds or boy bees whining to the nature show host about their cheating mates. In fact, many male animals are natural equipped with devices and behaviors to help insure the continuation of their genes after their female mates have already been diddling around with another male. The idea that monogamy was the way that nature intended was beginning to sound more and more like wishful thinking.
Armed with these observations, I started opening up my relationships. With just a handful of rules in place for safety's sake, I told my boyfriends that I didn't have a problem with them sleeping around as long as they were honest with me about it. In return, I offered them the same courtesy. My early relationships suffered blows from the old double-standard rule when the men had no qualms about jumping into the sack with interested women, but they had quite a different attitude when other blokes came sniffing around me.
However, after a couple years I began to meet men who recognized a good deal when they saw it. My husband was known in social circles as being a notorious philanderer, and over the years people have expressed shock to me that he seemed to have "settled down" since he started dating me. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't enjoy going outside to play once in a while, but in twelve years I've never known him to make any grand effort to actively pursue an affair. Old time wisdom says that it's no fun to steal something that's offered freely, but in my experience it boils down to having a handful of quality lovers from time to time rather than a truckload of whoever is available to sneak around with.
Then another love came into the picture. The freedom to date other people and the security of already being in a relationship to allow you to seek quality over quantity in extra-marital playmates also opened the door for strong emotional bonds to develop outside our marriage. To many people, this sounds like a set-up for that awful predicament of being torn between two lovers. The rules of social opinion dictate that you must throw one of them out like garbage because you cannot really be in love with more than one person at a time. I think the only garbage is that line of thinking. As I write this, I have been in two wonderful and loving relationships simultaneously for almost seven years now.
However, none of this came easily. There were many hurdles to jump over - everything from wrestling with residual jealousy to figuring out how to accommodate three people in situations that are generally reserved for couples only. At first I was called every name in the book, and even members of my own family refused to acknowledge that there was more than one person in my romantic life. However, as time went by those close to me began to recognize the happiness in both my relationships and came to accept that perhaps there are exceptions to the traditional rules of love. I often hear from friends who tearfully confess that their marriages are in shambles over a sexual indiscretion, and they no longer snicker at me when they realise that my practical approach to sex and relationships has spared me a world of stress and heartache.
Essay written by Shiva, 2009
It didn't take me long to realise that I wasn't Cinderella and neither were any of the other girls I knew. I also found out that the Prince Charmings were having just as much trouble keeping their Princesses inside the bounds of their relationships.
It wasn't uncommon for young girls to scratch the names of their boyfriends in hearts on a wall or notebook, fully assured that the relationship was going to last forever. Sure enough, come the following year the old flame's name was dutifully scratched out and a new boy's name written carefully underneath it in much larger lettering than his predecessor's. When questioned about the alteration, the answer was usually either "Oh, he started liking someone else." or "Oh, I met someone that I like better."
Then it happened to me... a boy I'd been seeing started making passes at someone else. As was the proper etiquette, I promptly dumped his cheating hide and fell quickly into a new relationship - which lasted approximately four months before word got to me that he'd been spotted in the company of another girl. Like many women, I started questioning myself and was convinced that I must be in some bad habit or another to scare these blokes away. However, not too long afterward I started attracting the eye of another man - who just happened to be in a very long relationship with a friend of mine.
As I entered adulthood I came to the conclusion that most people just can't stay faithful to one another, as evident by the ever-climbing divorce rate and the revolving relationship doors I saw all around me. It occurred to me that it was not simply a matter of people falling out of love, or else why would so many people go through ridiculous lengths to hide their infidelity from their significant others?
The biggest complaint I heard from the injured partners upon the discovery of an affair was that they automatically assumed that their cheating spouses had fallen in love with someone else and fallen out of love with them. The complaint was always about love, and the idea that a sexual romp purely for novelty and entertainment never entered the thought process. When questioning the guilty party about his/her views, the answers were almost always the same: They were physically attracted to someone else and they "weren't thinking", at least not until the deed was done and they knew they'd be in big trouble if their significant other ever found out.
I began to conclude that the common strong association between sex and love was the root for many of the problems. When looked at logically the idea that people must be in love to have sex is ludicrous, especially given the multi-billion dollar sex industry with strangers hoping into bed all over the place. Either prostitutes and porn stars are the most loving people in the world or the two things are not necessarily connected.
A few hours of watching "The Discovery Channel" was enough to see that the birds and the bees are anything but faithful to one another, and I didn't see any girl birds or boy bees whining to the nature show host about their cheating mates. In fact, many male animals are natural equipped with devices and behaviors to help insure the continuation of their genes after their female mates have already been diddling around with another male. The idea that monogamy was the way that nature intended was beginning to sound more and more like wishful thinking.
Armed with these observations, I started opening up my relationships. With just a handful of rules in place for safety's sake, I told my boyfriends that I didn't have a problem with them sleeping around as long as they were honest with me about it. In return, I offered them the same courtesy. My early relationships suffered blows from the old double-standard rule when the men had no qualms about jumping into the sack with interested women, but they had quite a different attitude when other blokes came sniffing around me.
However, after a couple years I began to meet men who recognized a good deal when they saw it. My husband was known in social circles as being a notorious philanderer, and over the years people have expressed shock to me that he seemed to have "settled down" since he started dating me. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't enjoy going outside to play once in a while, but in twelve years I've never known him to make any grand effort to actively pursue an affair. Old time wisdom says that it's no fun to steal something that's offered freely, but in my experience it boils down to having a handful of quality lovers from time to time rather than a truckload of whoever is available to sneak around with.
Then another love came into the picture. The freedom to date other people and the security of already being in a relationship to allow you to seek quality over quantity in extra-marital playmates also opened the door for strong emotional bonds to develop outside our marriage. To many people, this sounds like a set-up for that awful predicament of being torn between two lovers. The rules of social opinion dictate that you must throw one of them out like garbage because you cannot really be in love with more than one person at a time. I think the only garbage is that line of thinking. As I write this, I have been in two wonderful and loving relationships simultaneously for almost seven years now.
However, none of this came easily. There were many hurdles to jump over - everything from wrestling with residual jealousy to figuring out how to accommodate three people in situations that are generally reserved for couples only. At first I was called every name in the book, and even members of my own family refused to acknowledge that there was more than one person in my romantic life. However, as time went by those close to me began to recognize the happiness in both my relationships and came to accept that perhaps there are exceptions to the traditional rules of love. I often hear from friends who tearfully confess that their marriages are in shambles over a sexual indiscretion, and they no longer snicker at me when they realise that my practical approach to sex and relationships has spared me a world of stress and heartache.
Essay written by Shiva, 2009
Social Monogamy
While the idea that two people can fall completely and utterly in love and be perfectly content to focus their sexual desires and energy solely towards one another is a very beautiful thought that most people would like to believe, it simply is not realistic. Conservative surveys have shown that roughly 50% of all married people engage in extra-marital affairs, and special emphasis should be noted on the word conservative.
We live in a society where the words "sex" and "love" are often referred to synonymously. We drive that into our heads with such phrases as “making love” and “love affair” when describing people engaging in coitus. Furthermore, we view people engaged in activities such as flirting with others, having sex with others, or even fantasizing about others as being signs that they are no longer in love with their significant other.
Monogamy is not a common occurrence in nature. It is very rare to see animals go through an elaborate mating ceremony with just one member of its kind throughout the course of its life. Of course there are exceptions, such as vultures and tapeworms, but on the whole it is not the natural sexual order of things. As much as human beings love to believe that we are so much higher than any other breathing creature on the planet, the fact remains that we are of the mammalian class, and that we are animals just the same.
Even as a civilized species, we still take a lot of cues from nature while trying to understand ourselves. We agree that the desire for survival of our genes and working together in a social living condition is natural because we’ve observed it in the lower animal kingdom. However, we are also prone to call anything that occurs in wild nature as being "uncivilized", "savage", or "beastly" if it happens to go against the moral fabrics our society has woven with a set of ideals.
Humans have been fighting against nature for a very long time in this respect. Survival of the fittest, nature’s way of ensuring that the next generation will be strong, sound, and healthy, is tossed out the window with the human insistence that safety gadgets, restrictions, and other gizmos be installed to protect people from their own stupidity. In our efforts to become the civilized ideal, we enforce practices and laws that go against everything nature has instilled within us. We are even taught not to physically fight back when assaulted, but rather to take all complaints to a jury of our peers (assuming of course that we survive the attack.)
This is not to say that monogamy is not altogether unobtainable, but just that it is more difficult to maintain such a relationship. While some cultures would have you believe that monogamy is mandatory, the simple natural fact is that in humans it is a strictly voluntary commitment.
In many patriarchal societies, monogamy was (and still is) reserved as a requirement for women, while men who take multiple female companions considered to be perfectly acceptable. The deep-seeded reasoning behind this is strictly one of genes and procreation – an insurance that a male is not providing for offspring that is not own. Nowadays with the development of very effective birth control devices, the chances of a woman bearing the children of anyone other than her acknowledged mate is very slim if practical precautions are taken. However, the tradition of monogamy holds a tight grasp in most modern cultures, even to the point of being firmly ingrained into its laws and codes of conduct.
Studies have shown that most humans in monogamy-minded societies practice what is known as "social monogamy", which is the state of having a publicly acknowledged partner (such as a spouse) while having sexual relations outside of that relationship outside the public eye (often called "affairs"). These affairs can range from one-night-stands to extra-marital relationships that go on for years, but they do go against the definition of true monogamy.
True monogamy, the practice of firmly committing sexually to just one person without exception throughout the duration of the relationship, is an extremely difficult feat for most humans to accomplish on a long-term basis. Even happily married people who have no complaints about their spouses may find it hard to resist the temptation of a suggestive wink from another. Society has further complicated matters by decreeing such third parties as being "off limits", which add to the appeal. As the saying goes, "Nothing is more appealing than something you’re not allowed to have."
Champions of true monogamy will proclaim that such a lifestyle is happy and fulfilling, being the ultimate sacrifice to forsake all others in the name of true love. For some people, it is just that. It is true that we occasionally hear about the couples who have been together for decades and never known the touch of any other during that time, and they do serve as a shining example of what a monogamous-minded society expects of its citizens. However, more often we hear about the scandalous affairs people engage in, particularly those of individuals who were always assumed to be models of the ideal monogamous lifestyle.
When making the decision to have a true monogamous relationship, it is important to never just treat it as a given. Such a difficult commitment deserves both careful consideration and deep conversation between both parties, rather than just the assumption that because a relationship has formed that one can just turn off a very primal part of one’s nature.
More importantly, it should never be approached as a game of loaded questions. Being honest with oneself about monogamy is not quite as difficult as being honest to a partner about it, especially when it is clear that a monogamous commitment is desired. Imagine someone who you find much more sexually appealing than your partner, like perhaps a movie star or model. Could you honestly turn your dream date down if the opportunity presented itself for a one-time sexual fling? Now imagine having to turn down such dream dates on a regular basis for the rest of your life, even when you aren’t being completely satisfied with your chosen partner for whatever reason. Could you honestly do it?
It’s easy for anyone who is still freshly in love to answer that they believe they could remain monogamous for the rest of their lives. It’s not easy to accept that over the course of time their feelings may change and temptation to stray will grow stronger. A man who must refrain from sex with his pregnant or long-ill wife may find the fruits of temptation have grown much sweeter, just as a woman whose husband goes away on lengthy business trips may long for the attentions of someone else on a temporary basis. Over time, people they encounter in their daily lives may start to look more like their dream dates.
When discussing monogamy with a partner, it is important to address all of these possibilities, no matter how much you don’t want to think about them. This should never be presented as a test of how much they love you, but rather in a very logical fashion without attaching emotional value to sex. Questions such as "So, if I were in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, would you still love me enough to stay true to me?" is a very loaded question, leading the respondent to assume that if he answers that he’d like to have sex with other people in such a scenario, he is also saying that he wouldn’t still love you.
Asking a question such as "If I were unable to ever have sex again, would you want or need to have sex with other people on the side while we stayed in our relationship?" is a much more practical option, disassociating sex from love and addressing the very real issue of carnal needs and basic human nature.
When discussing monogamy with your partner, it is also important to determine what exactly it is about that lifestyle that is so important to you. For many people, it is the strong association between sex and love that they’ve made from Happily Ever After stories. However, for some people it is more of a social fear – what people would think of them if they were discovered to have a cheating spouse?
To some women, having an unfaithful husband is the mark of failure on their part for being unable to keep him happy. In social gossip an affair can be painted as being a character flaw on either spouse, whether it is the poor sap who tolerates such a disgrace or the unfeeling bastard/bitch wantonly having affairs. This is why social monogamy is so popular, even when there is an understanding between a couple that such sexual affairs are acceptable.
Essay by Shiva, 2006.
We live in a society where the words "sex" and "love" are often referred to synonymously. We drive that into our heads with such phrases as “making love” and “love affair” when describing people engaging in coitus. Furthermore, we view people engaged in activities such as flirting with others, having sex with others, or even fantasizing about others as being signs that they are no longer in love with their significant other.
Monogamy is not a common occurrence in nature. It is very rare to see animals go through an elaborate mating ceremony with just one member of its kind throughout the course of its life. Of course there are exceptions, such as vultures and tapeworms, but on the whole it is not the natural sexual order of things. As much as human beings love to believe that we are so much higher than any other breathing creature on the planet, the fact remains that we are of the mammalian class, and that we are animals just the same.
Even as a civilized species, we still take a lot of cues from nature while trying to understand ourselves. We agree that the desire for survival of our genes and working together in a social living condition is natural because we’ve observed it in the lower animal kingdom. However, we are also prone to call anything that occurs in wild nature as being "uncivilized", "savage", or "beastly" if it happens to go against the moral fabrics our society has woven with a set of ideals.
Humans have been fighting against nature for a very long time in this respect. Survival of the fittest, nature’s way of ensuring that the next generation will be strong, sound, and healthy, is tossed out the window with the human insistence that safety gadgets, restrictions, and other gizmos be installed to protect people from their own stupidity. In our efforts to become the civilized ideal, we enforce practices and laws that go against everything nature has instilled within us. We are even taught not to physically fight back when assaulted, but rather to take all complaints to a jury of our peers (assuming of course that we survive the attack.)
This is not to say that monogamy is not altogether unobtainable, but just that it is more difficult to maintain such a relationship. While some cultures would have you believe that monogamy is mandatory, the simple natural fact is that in humans it is a strictly voluntary commitment.
In many patriarchal societies, monogamy was (and still is) reserved as a requirement for women, while men who take multiple female companions considered to be perfectly acceptable. The deep-seeded reasoning behind this is strictly one of genes and procreation – an insurance that a male is not providing for offspring that is not own. Nowadays with the development of very effective birth control devices, the chances of a woman bearing the children of anyone other than her acknowledged mate is very slim if practical precautions are taken. However, the tradition of monogamy holds a tight grasp in most modern cultures, even to the point of being firmly ingrained into its laws and codes of conduct.
Studies have shown that most humans in monogamy-minded societies practice what is known as "social monogamy", which is the state of having a publicly acknowledged partner (such as a spouse) while having sexual relations outside of that relationship outside the public eye (often called "affairs"). These affairs can range from one-night-stands to extra-marital relationships that go on for years, but they do go against the definition of true monogamy.
True monogamy, the practice of firmly committing sexually to just one person without exception throughout the duration of the relationship, is an extremely difficult feat for most humans to accomplish on a long-term basis. Even happily married people who have no complaints about their spouses may find it hard to resist the temptation of a suggestive wink from another. Society has further complicated matters by decreeing such third parties as being "off limits", which add to the appeal. As the saying goes, "Nothing is more appealing than something you’re not allowed to have."
Champions of true monogamy will proclaim that such a lifestyle is happy and fulfilling, being the ultimate sacrifice to forsake all others in the name of true love. For some people, it is just that. It is true that we occasionally hear about the couples who have been together for decades and never known the touch of any other during that time, and they do serve as a shining example of what a monogamous-minded society expects of its citizens. However, more often we hear about the scandalous affairs people engage in, particularly those of individuals who were always assumed to be models of the ideal monogamous lifestyle.
When making the decision to have a true monogamous relationship, it is important to never just treat it as a given. Such a difficult commitment deserves both careful consideration and deep conversation between both parties, rather than just the assumption that because a relationship has formed that one can just turn off a very primal part of one’s nature.
More importantly, it should never be approached as a game of loaded questions. Being honest with oneself about monogamy is not quite as difficult as being honest to a partner about it, especially when it is clear that a monogamous commitment is desired. Imagine someone who you find much more sexually appealing than your partner, like perhaps a movie star or model. Could you honestly turn your dream date down if the opportunity presented itself for a one-time sexual fling? Now imagine having to turn down such dream dates on a regular basis for the rest of your life, even when you aren’t being completely satisfied with your chosen partner for whatever reason. Could you honestly do it?
It’s easy for anyone who is still freshly in love to answer that they believe they could remain monogamous for the rest of their lives. It’s not easy to accept that over the course of time their feelings may change and temptation to stray will grow stronger. A man who must refrain from sex with his pregnant or long-ill wife may find the fruits of temptation have grown much sweeter, just as a woman whose husband goes away on lengthy business trips may long for the attentions of someone else on a temporary basis. Over time, people they encounter in their daily lives may start to look more like their dream dates.
When discussing monogamy with a partner, it is important to address all of these possibilities, no matter how much you don’t want to think about them. This should never be presented as a test of how much they love you, but rather in a very logical fashion without attaching emotional value to sex. Questions such as "So, if I were in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, would you still love me enough to stay true to me?" is a very loaded question, leading the respondent to assume that if he answers that he’d like to have sex with other people in such a scenario, he is also saying that he wouldn’t still love you.
Asking a question such as "If I were unable to ever have sex again, would you want or need to have sex with other people on the side while we stayed in our relationship?" is a much more practical option, disassociating sex from love and addressing the very real issue of carnal needs and basic human nature.
When discussing monogamy with your partner, it is also important to determine what exactly it is about that lifestyle that is so important to you. For many people, it is the strong association between sex and love that they’ve made from Happily Ever After stories. However, for some people it is more of a social fear – what people would think of them if they were discovered to have a cheating spouse?
To some women, having an unfaithful husband is the mark of failure on their part for being unable to keep him happy. In social gossip an affair can be painted as being a character flaw on either spouse, whether it is the poor sap who tolerates such a disgrace or the unfeeling bastard/bitch wantonly having affairs. This is why social monogamy is so popular, even when there is an understanding between a couple that such sexual affairs are acceptable.
Essay by Shiva, 2006.
Book Review - The Myth of Monogamy
The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People
Authors: David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton
Published by Henry Holt & Company, Incorporated. 2001
Forget whatever you’ve been told about the birds and the bees! The Myth of Monogamy goes into great detail about the apparent monogamy between various species of the animal kingdom, and then what’s really going on when the nature show hosts aren’t looking. By outlining the differences between sexual monogamy and social monogamy, this book exposes some fascinating facts about natural selection in the mating game and how fidelity is rarely exhibited in most species.
Readers are treated to a light-hearted yet educational journey through the sex lives of animals (yes, even humans) and how nature has equipped many of them with not only the means to procreate, but also with methods to thwart the attempts of others to successfully mate with their partners. From species of birds that punish their straying partners with a fierce pecking to sharks who deliver a salt water douche to wash away a rival’s sperm before mating, field studies and research has turned out with undeniable proof that infidelity is quite simply a fact of life.
In regards to human behavior, the book illustrates cases throughout the history of civilization where non-monogamy or multiple-spouse situations were considered the norm. One of the more amusing excerpts from the book tells the story of a 19th century missionary who was offered a woman as a gift from the Maori chief. Upon noticing the look of disapproval on the missionary’s face, the chief promptly changed his order to “Two women for the Bishop!”
The Myth of Monogamy takes an in-depth look at both sides of the issue, exploring both the pros and cons of monogamy and non-monogamy in both human beings and lower animals in a very straightforward and non-sexist way. While it builds a strong scientific argument against sexual monogamy, it is also careful to point out that monogamy is an exception rather than a rule, and can be successfully obtained by human beings who choose to seek it.
Review by Shiva, 2005
Authors: David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton
Published by Henry Holt & Company, Incorporated. 2001
Forget whatever you’ve been told about the birds and the bees! The Myth of Monogamy goes into great detail about the apparent monogamy between various species of the animal kingdom, and then what’s really going on when the nature show hosts aren’t looking. By outlining the differences between sexual monogamy and social monogamy, this book exposes some fascinating facts about natural selection in the mating game and how fidelity is rarely exhibited in most species.
Readers are treated to a light-hearted yet educational journey through the sex lives of animals (yes, even humans) and how nature has equipped many of them with not only the means to procreate, but also with methods to thwart the attempts of others to successfully mate with their partners. From species of birds that punish their straying partners with a fierce pecking to sharks who deliver a salt water douche to wash away a rival’s sperm before mating, field studies and research has turned out with undeniable proof that infidelity is quite simply a fact of life.
In regards to human behavior, the book illustrates cases throughout the history of civilization where non-monogamy or multiple-spouse situations were considered the norm. One of the more amusing excerpts from the book tells the story of a 19th century missionary who was offered a woman as a gift from the Maori chief. Upon noticing the look of disapproval on the missionary’s face, the chief promptly changed his order to “Two women for the Bishop!”
The Myth of Monogamy takes an in-depth look at both sides of the issue, exploring both the pros and cons of monogamy and non-monogamy in both human beings and lower animals in a very straightforward and non-sexist way. While it builds a strong scientific argument against sexual monogamy, it is also careful to point out that monogamy is an exception rather than a rule, and can be successfully obtained by human beings who choose to seek it.
Review by Shiva, 2005
The Folly of Sexual Repression
The Folly of Sexual Repression
Being a citizen of the United States of America, I am accustomed to hearing proud, flag-waving Americans loudly proclaim that we are the land of the free. However, this freedom apparently does not extend to sexual matters, and our society pays more dearly for that than most people are aware.Sexual repression is nothing new. Many societies around the world place restrictions on the sex lives of their citizens, often with heavy consequences should an individual deviate from what is considered acceptable in that society. Adulterers, unwed lovers, homosexuals, and even people caught in the act of masturbating have been institutionalized, tortured, mutilated, or even executed for committing acts of sexual gratification.
While we no longer hang people for having sex out of wedlock or clamp spiked rings over the penises of masturbators, we can still hear the harpies of morality screeching their anti-sex agendas from pulpits and campaign platforms across the country. Concerned citizens boycott stores that carry literature about certain forms of sexual activity and lobby to squash anything remotely resembling sexual education in our schools. Television and radio producers are fined and chastised if their programming is deemed to be too racy for those moral-minded, sensitive American audiences. Adult-oriented establishments are greatly restricted in their activities, watched like hawks, and heavily fined or shut down completely for whatever whimsical reason the vice squads can dream up.
Even in the privacy of their own homes, citizens are strongly discouraged against practicing any type of sexual activity outside of mundane and marital pairings. And while some bold groups of open-minded individuals may stand up and claim their right to have sex with whomever and however they'd like, they quickly find themselves being held up as the poster children for everything that is wrong in America. Oh, how a much better place the USA would be if we didn't have all those pesky homosexuals, masturbators, swingers, fetishists, and fornicators around, they say.
I say rubbish.
Some of the side effects of sexual repression as observed in human beings include lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, depression, suicidal tendencies, and higher aggressive behavior. A child who has been taught to believe that sex is dirty and bad will often mature to become an adult who is self-conscious about his body and overwhelmed with guilt when the natural desire to breed arouses him. Adults who are restricted in their sexual inclinations will often experience frustration that can result in either suicidal actions or violence towards others.
It should come as a surprise to no one that societies that have more relaxed legislature over sexual matters enjoy a lower violent crime rate and are not often seen butting heads with other societies on the war field. This phenomenon was best documented in a study of one of our closest relatives, the Bonobo ape.
Bonobos, closely related to chimpanzees and also sharing more than 98 percent of the human genetic profile, are a species of primate which uses sexual activity not only for reproduction but also for social bonding. Bonobos have been observed to be indiscriminate in their sexual relations in regards to age or gender, and also are considered to be one of the more peaceful groupings of animals on the planet. Unlike chimpanzees and other animals that have a dominant-male or a strictly monogamous structure, the Bonobos are not often observed being aggressive towards one another over food, mates, or territory.
Even in human studies, sexual relief has been proven an effective remedy for anxiety, stress, and even some forms of depression. The personal vibrator itself was originally designed as a medical tool for doctors to use on their female patients to "relieve hysteria." (Strangely enough, masturbating was considered to be an extremely unhealthy activity at the time, but it was OK if a physician did it for you.)
Numerous medical professionals, psychologists, philosophers, and other champions of sexual liberation and its benefits to society have been defamed and their work bastardized by political and religious leaders on the platform of morality and wholesome family values. Citizens of such societies are therefore instructed to deeply repress many of their strong natural urges and desires, resulting in an increase of frustration, stress, and emotional instability that is disguised with the mask of being "the right thing to do."
Often this opens the door wide for religion, particularly the brands that demand their followers forsake earthly delights and suppress all natural inclinations as proof of being a good and worthy person. Never has the idea of how sexual repression can result in aggressive behavior been better demonstrated than with the history of the followers of such religions butchering and torturing other peoples whose attitudes on such subjects differed from their own. Nor is it a coincidence that the punishments dealt to such people often involved the mutilation of their sexual organs.
Even in modern times, we find an astounding number of violent sex crimes committed by perpetrators who speak of sexual repression and insecurity when interrogated. While the moral-minded platform speakers would have us believe that such criminal behavior is a model example of what people would be like if we were free to do as we pleased sexually, they fail to acknowledge that such crimes are often committed as the result of intense and long-term suppression of sexual desires.
One observation that counters the idea that sex crimes are the result of being exposed to an environment with relaxed moral codes is the fact that when some countries legalized pornography or other forms of sexual gratification, the rate of such crimes decreased dramatically, even by as much as 50 percent.
Just as an animal will either sink into an unhealthy, lethargic depression or go violently mad when confined to a small cage and denied freedom to abide by its nature, so will humans who are restricted by cages of sexual morality.
Essay by Shiva, 2005
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