Cheating at Hearts

(Essay by Shiva originally published online in 2006)

Some people call it infidelity, while others address it as “unfaithfulness”. In the game of life and love, the heart-wrenching grievances over the discovery of a cheating partner echoes through bars and powder rooms everywhere.

In most modern societies, people are expected to pair off into coupled units and promise to remain solely committed to each other in love and sex till death do them part, or at least until they decide to end the relationship.

By standard definition, a “cheating” partner is someone who goes behind his or her significant other’s back to indulge in the sexual favors of another. The typical scenario is generally the same: a sneaky partner, an illicit affair, and a jealous and betrayed individual sitting up late at home waiting to be fed a generous helping of somewhat plausible excuses. “I’m sorry Honey, I had to work late at the office…”

Of course, not every fellow who is putting in a lot of overtime is bopping his secretary any more than every woman taking classes at night is partying with her professor. But that certainly doesn’t stop the thought their spouses might have that they could be doing it, and sets the wheel of mistrust in motion that frequently condemns a relationship before a crime has actually been committed.

In my own experience, I’ve known women who were forbidden to leave their homes without a husband-appointed chaperone. I’ve also known men who were repeatedly in the doghouse for so much as smiling at another woman. Both of these types of people having been branded with the potential to be unfaithful in their relationships and found themselves heavily guarded because of it.

This is not an unreasonable fear on behalf of the suspicious spouses. Second only to financial difficulties, infidelity is the complaint most often heard in the divorce courts today. Not that it is some new epidemic that just popped up in the last few centuries either… unless we are to believe that the brothels and bath houses throughout history were patronized only by the unattached.

Blame it on nature, human beings are equipped with all manner of hormones and the means to attract a sexual mate. As if the appeal of breeding alone was not enough, we also put value on our own sexual prowess and ability to attract mates. We casually flirt with members of the opposite sex and notch our bedposts as if they were scoreboards. We paint our faces, don our best suits, cover our bald spots, and add extra padding underneath our clothes in areas we feel nature shortchanged us. We beam with pride if someone pays us a compliment, and secretly enjoy the catcalls, winks, and whistles as we walk down the street.

And if that still isn’t enough, no one can deny the billion dollar sex industry. We have mountains of pornographic magazines and films that cater to every debauchery imaginable, all advertising 900 numbers we can call in case we need auditory stimulation as well. Prostitution can be found in all walks of life, from the high tag call girls in special nightclubs to the two-dollar crack whores in the parking lot. Adult toy stores feature gadgets and gizmos that do everything short of smoking a cigarette afterwards. I can’t even open my e-mail without being informed that I can add three inches to my cock size while checking out someone doing the naughty on their webcam.

While sexual wantonness may be alive and well in our genetic make-up to guarantee the continuation of our genes by spreading them around as much as possible, the moral ideals of our modern society have firmly embedded the idea that strict monogamy is the only way to go. We are expected to settle down with one partner and have eyes (and loins) only for him or her. We are taught this while young, given numerous reasons to explain the logic of why this is the only way to love, and even have had laws in place to reinforce the popular theory that coupling should only be done in established pairs.

With all this in mind, it is little wonder that men and women seem to live in constant fear that their significant other may at some time be even remotely entertaining the thought of being in bed with someone else. The paranoia runs rampant with the thought that somehow, some way, their partner is cheating on them.

But at what point does cheating begin? By definition, one would think that cheating begins at a sexual touch. Not so, I’ve come to discover. The answer to that question is as widely diverse as the people I asked when I conducted a series of poll questions and surveys on the subject.* While the traditional definition of infidelity meant an extra-marital sexual affair, that line has become so blurred and distorted past the point of paranoia that even an innocent lunch date with a colleague can hold the same weight as if they’d slept together.

Out of 80 women I polled, most defined the point where cheating begins as when their partners do something with another person without their knowledge or consent. A further 10% consider making out as the beginnings of betrayal, while 5% consider going out with someone on a non-sexual basis as crossing the line.

80 men also took this survey, but only 22% defined cheating as doing something without knowledge or consent. Most of the men polled drew the line at making out, although 6% considered the act of merely flirting with another as being unfaithful.

One interesting point I noticed was that of all the people who took part in this survey who’d been cheated on by their partners, most of the women stayed close to home in their affairs (usually with friends of their spouse or a coworker) while the men tended to graze the forbidden fruits in completely different pastures. This seems to point to the theory that women tend to cheat more for emotional reasons than the philandering antics of males who cheat purely for the sake of sex itself when the opportunity presents itself.

Most of the women I interviewed who’d engaged in extra-relationship affairs claimed that they were lured to the charms of another because their partners seemed to have lost interest in them. The pleasure of having the undivided attention and adoration of another man was too great of temptation to resist. One such woman even told me that although she felt a little guilty about it, it felt nice to “feel pretty again” since her husband stopped complimenting her long ago.

It came as no surprise that most men I talked to who admitted to having affairs stated that their own infidelities were based on the desire for “something different”. While most claimed they were not in the market to trade-in their significant others, they were interested in the occasional night with someone new for the sake of variety.

Did either the men or the women do things with their lovers that they wouldn’t normally do with their regular partners? Almost all of them said they didn’t.

Surprisingly enough, the act of unfaithfulness doesn’t necessarily have to physically involve a third party. 9% of the women (and 2% of the men) expressed feeling cheated on by a partner who masturbates to images in magazines, films, or other media.

There have been numerous studies and theories about how monogamy is promoted on a natural basis as a way to secure the best interests of one’s own offspring. However, most people who admit to cheating on their partners claim that procreation was not on the agenda and they took special precautions to prevent a pregnancy from such unions. So while the fear that one’s spouse may have to provide for the offspring of another as a result of an infidelity is valid, it simply doesn’t apply to individuals who are incapable of breeding to begin with, such as same-sex relationships. And yet, a homosexual feels just as betrayed by a cheating partner as a heterosexual does despite that lack of any “natural” reason.

Of those I interviewed, people expressed that they felt that a cheating partner meant that they were about to be replaced. A pattern of low self-esteem seemed to be emerging as they talked about how the other man/woman had to be “better” than themselves for various reasons. Most voiced that they’d been brought up with the belief that two people in love should be solely committed to one another, and a straying partner signals the end of love. Fear of an outside pregnancy (from those situations that would merit such a fear) was only mentioned by three of the twenty-six people I spoke with on the subject.




* Polls conducted online and surveys/interviews taken by volunteers both online and in phone or live interview. I always promise anonymity to participants in my field research due to the sensitivity of the subject.